Stop Me If You've Heard This One
by fairfarrenlovelylydia
Summary: I am sure this won't come as a surprise to any of you. Also...not be read seriously. I recommend watching something just as crazy afterwards like The Labyrinth of something. This is all angsty angst


Alysse was wondering down the street one afternoon in the pouring rain. She had missed the bus and the drive had refused to stop for the girl; he hated her and Alysse just never really understood why.

Maybe if she knew why she hated her she would understand why everyone else at the school wanted nothing to do with her either. Alysse hoped it wasn't because she couldn't play sports or run as fast as the other kids. She tried her best but her life was just so sad she couldn't find the spirit to do it.

Her parents had been killed after all. Alysse watched them burn in a tragic fire. She had barely escaped out the back door and watched in horror as the burning wood fell onto the heads of her parents who were just about to escape. From there she had gone to live with her aunt and her cousin who absolutely hated her. They put her in a closet and left her there all day long. Alysse was only permitted to go to school and she had to come home right after.

With a heavy heart, Alysse made her way home and onto the porch. Her long blonde hair that fell to her pert little buttocks (which somehow managed to stay in great shape even though she barely exercised) was wet and soaking. But it still managed to glisten in the dark weather like a thousand rare diamonds. She did her best to brush the gossamer curtain from her large sapphire blue eyes. Coming in from the cold she shivered in her long blue dress.

She made her way to the closet that was just outside the kitchen and opened the door. She threw her backpack on her bed and collapsed onto the mattress with a sigh. She was tired and she didn't know why people at school thought she was so weird. She wished could get along with them better but she just couldn't fit into normal activities. She felt no need to chase after boys or wear pants to school. In fact, she usually wore her elegant dresses to the institution.

Now, however, she was pulling on sweatpants and her sweat shirt. She put her headphone buds in her ears and closed her eyes. The sounds of Dashboard Confessional were flooding her mind. That was until she heard a stand scratch on her door. Sitting up she looked to the frame and saw a little white rabbit that had his paws crossed. She threw her feet over the side of the bed and looked at him.

"Please, we need your help! There must be a savior for Underland!" The creature cried and bounded off. Alysse proceeded to quickly change out of her sweatpants into a pair of tight jeans and threw her phone in the pocket. She then tucked her ipod into the back pocket of her jeans and bent down to pull her converse upon her feet.

What could this creature be crying about to loudly?

She chased after the creature and made her way across the wet lawn. Her leg hurt from the abuse her cousin gave her the night before. She had held Alysse down and beat her senseless because she accused the tragic blonde of stealing her hairdryer. Alysse had pleaded that she had done no such thing but Cassandra would not listen. And she was now paying the price for her honesty.

Alysse ran after the rabbit and found that despite that fact that she had no conditioning she could keep up with the wild animal. She took pride in this before she realized that she was now tumbling down a hole. She took a deep breath and smiled. She would be alright, surely. She was the bravest girl that she had ever known and there was no reason to have fear.

She hit the floor of the hole and it took her a moment to collect her thoughts. But just a moment before she realized that she knew this story; this was the hall of doors from Alice in Wonderland. She had seen this movie so many times and she knew she identified exactly with Alice.

"I shall have to bear the burden of saving some poor creature from Underland, I am certain." Alysse said with a sigh as she took the key on the table in one hand and the bottle in another.

She found that as she shrunk that her clothes stayed proportionate to her body and with a squeal of glee she was running to the door and flinging open the portal on its hinges. She grabbed a piece of cake before leaving and made her way out into the garden.

She began to run again with an endurance that was above human and soon found the white rabbit.

"Hello, you must take me to Mirana immediately!" Alysse said with a smile.

"Of course!" McTwisp said with a smile and began to bound off to Marmoreal. Alysse took the cake from her pocket and placed a piece delicately between her ruby red lips. She then bit into the pastry with her pearly round teeth.

She bounded after the rabbit into the castle.

"Alysse!" The Queen shouted running out into the garden after her. "I am so glad you have come." She embraced Alysse and placed a kiss full on the mouth of the young girl.

Behind the Queen, Alysse saw the most handsome and sexiest milliner she had ever met.

"Tarrant," Alysse said with a smile. The Mad Hatter stood gaping at her, his large green eyes transfixed on the beauty that stood before him.

"You are our champion?" Tarrant asked and he looked at her with a gulp.

"I suppose I am. Tell me, what am I supposed to be fighting?" Alysse asked with a brave face and Mirana sighed romantically.

"I am afraid that the Jabberwock has returned. Our other Alice couldn't do the job properly the first time."

"Lead me to the sword and I shall fight for-"

"No!" Tarrant stepped forward and looked into Alysse's ocean blue eyes. "I must step in for the Champion and fight for her. She is much too beautiful and she has captured my heart."

He flew to his knees and took Alysse's hand in his and placed a kiss on the back of it. Alysse's heart beat quickly as she thought about all the gratuitous sex they could have later.

"I am afraid there is no other way." Mirana said with a sigh (as she thought about all the gratuitous sex she would have with Alysse later).

"I am brave, Hatter. I can defeat this beast on my own." Alysse responded firmly.

An hour later she was suited and standing on the battlefield. Stayne, the ugly monstrous right hand man of the bloody red queen, stood before her.

"I have come to stop you from-"

"I will not be told what to do by a vile heartless creature such as yourself!" Alysse shouted and drew the Vorpal blade in her hand. "You are a Cyclops that could not possibly have a heart and have joined the Queen's side with no thought of the repercussions. You are a heartless and sick man!"

"I think you may have mentioned I was heartless once or twice." Stayne said with a shrug. "And never mind that the Queen has essentially violated me-"

"No one cares about the psychological aspects of your possible Stockholm Syndrome case!" Alysse said. "You are heartless and cruel and you are going to die by my hand!" Alysse shot her hand forward and out of it came lightening. Stayne went flying back and into the ground. He didn't move again.

Tarrant looked lustfully over at the Champion with his gat toothed smile. "She is absolutely beautiful," He hummed.

"Yes she is," Mirana purred and she called out to Alysse. "Go get him, sweetie!"

Alysse noticed that the Jabberwock was approaching. She began to battle the creature and the fact that she never did any sort of weight training or Pilates in her life was beginning to show. She was losing terribly.

"I cannot-" The Champion's mouth was quieted as the Jabberwock sent a barb into the girl's chest.

"NO!" Tarrant and Mirana cried in unison.

Alysse fell back into the ground. Blood was soaking her My Chemical Romance t shirt and she was gasping for air. She could see her poor pitiful life flashing before her eyes.

"Alysse, I love you!" Tarrant shouted.

"No, I love her!" Mirana screamed at Tarrant. Then she began to beat down on the milliner.

Alysse lay in the dirt and tried her best not to cry. She wanted to live and not have to succumb to such a hard life. As she began to contemplate this she felt the wound in her chest sinking. Looking down at her chest she noticed that it was glowing yellow. The wound was healing and she was gaining strength.

"Never try to kill me when I'm-" She went running toward the Jabberwock "REGENERATING!"

The creature cried out as Alysse sliced the head from the creature's neck.

Both Tarrant and Mirana stood on the sidelines and clapped for the Champion. "You are the most amazing thing in the world!"

"I concur! You are totally badass!" Tarrant agreed with the Queen. He took Alysse in his arms and kissed her, groping her large coconut boobs. She hummed delightfully.

"Come, you must come to my T.A.R.D.I.S." Alysse said with a smile. "We can watch my victory on the hill."

The three made their way off to the blue police box that was sitting behind the ruins on the castle and made their way back in time to watch the amazing and misunderstood Alysse fulfill her destiny.

* * *

"And Alysse was to remain the Champion of Underland forever, where she was completely understood and she had a love affair with Tarrant and Mirana at once and it was totally acceptable because that's how shit flies in Underland." Lydia read aloud as she finished the fict. She had spent most of the day trying to scroll through the website collection of fan fiction and was having trouble finding a good story.

They all kind of seemed the same after awhile. But regardless, she might consider sending this one to Meg. Perhaps there could be some fun had.

But please….stop me if you've heard this one.


End file.
